Finished on Sunday

I'm glad I didn't read the fly leaf of Out-Takes from a Marriage until after it was finished. Ann Leary is married to comedian Denis Leary, and that information would have changed my perspective while reading this book. The main character (Julia) is married to a famous movie star, lost in his fame and never really establishing her own identity.

Although I don't know anyone who is married to someone famous, I know a lot of women, including myself, who struggle to find their place independent of their husband. When do my needs become more important than his needs, and vice-versa? If we're on opposite sides of an issue, at what point does compromise come into play? Are there times when compromise should not be an option? Leary does a good job illustrating the dangers of not thinking carefully about decisions made as a couple.

Open House

We've been in our house one year! Tonight we're finally have our Housewarming/BBQ. I took this picture on the day we closed. We signed the papers, grabbed our keys, swung by Chipotle to get some dinner, and then had our first meal in our new house.

The last year has been incredibly difficult--we've lost and grieved so much. I've never experienced anything like it. Working on the house and the yard has provided a much-needed distraction. We already have good memories and many, many reasons to be thankful.

Such a Romantic

Me: Well, we've been married three years and I haven't consulted the divorce attorney yet. What do you think of that?

the Mister: He didn't have much to say.

Third Anniversary

The Mister and I will have been married three years on September 4th. Our wedding took place at the end of the hardest six weeks of my life and in the middle of a horrible "life event" that brought our wedding plans to a screeching (crashing, crumpling) halt. Our priorities shifted and our marriage was tested, forged, and strengthened in the chaos of that time. I discovered in all of the craziness that the Mister was a man I could hang on to through the storm. He found out I was someone he could finally let his guard down with. It wasn't the easiest start, but it was the best for us.

Such a Romantic

Me: Do you realize that our three-year anniversary is right around the corner? I wonder what you're supposed to buy for the three-year?

the Mister: It's the Year of the Flat Screen TV.

And lightness has a call that's hard to hear

The Mister and I went to Boulder to see Indigo Girls (opening act: Brandy Carlile) last night at the Chautauqua. I've been a fan since college and many of the songs transported me back to some of the best times with my favorite people. However, some of the sweetest times were when I was by myself--in particular, a memorable sunset as I'm driving my Ford Escort home for the weekend, over the Broadway Bridge to the sounds of "Galileo" and "Chickenman". It was during the college years, after I broke up with my high school sweetheart and especially after I bought my first car, that I really started to appreciate time by myself.

During my single years I started to resent all of the time alone. Although I lived in a chaotic environment with lots of activity, it still felt like I spent an inordinate time talking to myself instead of having real conversations. I developed some very close friendships during that time, but you can only go out so many nights a week. Eventually your bank account and your pillow will object.

Now I’m married and trying to find the right balance. The Mister’s job has always provided plenty of alone time—he works a lot of evenings and weekends and I’m a 7:30 to 4 kind of gal. That job is changing in the middle of August, and he’ll be home a lot more. I’m giddy as a schoolgirl over this development because it has been a long time overdue, but I also wonder…What will this mean for the marriage? I know we’ll get along just fine, but how long will it take us to find equilibrium? Will he respect the fact that I watch House Hunters every night at 5:30 and there will be no argument about that? Will he understand that some nights Cheerios are the best kind of dinner? Will there be adequate time to read and write in my journal? I guess we’ll work through that in August.

In the meantime, I think I’ll get in the car and drive with “Power of Two” cranked up as loud as I can stand it. Maybe even conjure up a good sunset.

I live with an internal processor

And I’m OK with that. It’s taken some getting used to, but I also think it’s made me a better person. I listen more intently, for one thing. He doesn’t process everything out loud (like I do) so when he does say something it’s already thought-out and ready. Because he doesn’t talk very much (unlike me), when he does say something people are more likely to listen. Early on in our dating relationship I realized that if the Mister says something more than once, it’s really important to him. He’s subtle like that, so I have to pay attention to know what’s going on inside his head.

Me? If something’s really important to me I’ll say it more than ten times. With jumping up and down. And many exclamation points!!!!!! Just so people know it’s important.

You can see where it might cause some confusion.

He only calls me "Woman" when he's disgusted

the Mister: (incoherent singing, mumbling)
Me: Whatcha singing?
the Mister: "Purple Haze"
Me: I don't know that one.
the Mister: It's by Jimi Hendrix!
Me: That's why I don't like it. I hate Jimi!
the Mister: Woman, I'm not so sure we have a future together...

Moments later...

Me: I don't like Bob Marley, either.
the Mister: (grumbling, disgust, more grumbling)...sigh...

House Hunters

The Mister and I are looking to buy a house. One that is cute, has a little bit more space than we have in our apartment, and doesn’t cost too much. Ridiculous expectations, I know. As an obsessive watcher of House Hunters, I thought that I was prepared to jump into this search, and on most levels I am ready. My love of research and obsessive pigheadedness has finally paid off. What I wasn’t prepared for? The emotional “issues” that come up when looking at real estate. The Mister and I are having complex discussions about our values and priorities. How much does location matter? Our friends live in one part of town, I work in another part. Do we want to live close to friends or close to work? What does “quality of life” look like to us? There is always going to be a trade-off between size and location. The closer you get to the city the smaller the house you can buy with the same dollars. Do we want to buy a house that’s family-friendly now? Do we want to buy a starter home and downsize in the short-term so we can buy bigger when we do have a family (and live closer to the city? City = fun)? Once again, marriage has taken me by surprise, and I’m grateful. The conversations we’ve had in the last few weeks have clarified our values, and I think it’s made us stronger.